The Squatty

Hello to everyone and welcome back to my small little world on the Korean peninsula.  Today we are going to talk about the easily the most disgusting topic to date.  It also might be the funniest. Imagine Anthony Bourdain’s No Reservations if he didn’t need to edit it for cable.
This post has some educational bits, but it’s really about enjoying the not-always-so-smooth experience of travel.


Warning not for the faint of heart....

If there was one thing that I heard about before arriving in Korea that made me cringe, it was talking about the medieval plumbing fixture known to the westerner as the squatty potty.  I had heard from some people that I would probably have one in my house and I was not sure how to take this information.  When I arrived I was overjoyed to see that not only where those people wrong about there being a sqautty in my house, It took me two weeks before I finally stumbled on my first one.  Korea is a very developed as a nation and with all the western influence came... the western toilet. Almost everywhere in Korea now has the traditional western toilet and you must go well off the beaten path if you want to find a squatty.  But I have a real love for walking off the beaten path and so I not only have I found the squatties, I have become pretty good at using them.

My experience of learning to use a squatty potty has came over trial and error (and wet shoes and pant cuffs unfortunately – ewwww). Here’s a few tips that I gathered. This toilet is basically a porcelain hole in the ground,. There is no plumbing/flushing mechanism associated with this.  Upon first entering the foreign abode, you will be confused.  Do you stand over the hole?  Do you squat over the hole?  What if you are wearing flip flops?  Where do you stand exactly? You know you don't want a splash! So many questions; I have thought about them all while in the squat position! 


The first thing to know is you should stand on the place where there are ‘foot rests’.  This is normally signified by little foot platforms on the porcelain structure itself.  I’ve made the mistake of putting my feet outside the edges of the porcelain structure and it just doesn’t work as well, trust me.  Instead, you stand on the porcelain foot rests.  Always get your pants out of the ‘drop zone’ as best you can.  

Next you have to know how to squat.  I honestly learned this through trial and error.  I first tried squatting in a 2/3 squat.  However you’ll quickly find out that this still leaves about 3 feet between you and the actual toilet which give you the direct effects of the splash factor.   Just use your high school physics; the longer the drop, the more the splash.  You don’t want to come out of the bathroom with your pant legs all wet.  Or worse, your shoes all squishy.  It’s not fun. The best way to describe this is to get in a catcher’s stance, just like you are ready to receive the pitch from the mound.  Now if you are actually standing on the right spot on the squatty potty then you can look down and realize you are in the best possible position to make your move.

You may be wondering how I became so smart in the ancient ways of the Asian squatty potty?

I still remember the day that I finally figured this all out.  I was at a hiking a mountain on a beautiful Saturday afternoon. while resting at the top I began to feel a sensation in a tummy.... And because I have chosen to drink the tap water here in Korea, instead of bottled.  It was not a good kind of sensation. (I know this is my own fault.) I had very few options but knew there was a building at the bottom of the far side of the mountain and I thought it might have a toilet.  I hustled as fast as I could straight down a steep 2 kilometer slope while keeping the cheeks pinched. (Not fun or easy at all) I got to the building and saw that it of course had a squatty. There was no time to size up the matter as I was about to burst. I decided to try the catchers stance for the first time; it was then that I noticed it.  In front of me, on the stall door there was some Korean writing.  It was right at my eye level while I was in the catcher’s stance.  Eureka!!!!  I had found the sweet spot; they put writing here because that’s where your eye level is supposed to be! I was so damn proud of myself I wanted to explode! I came out of that little shanty in the woods a new man feeling successful!  At that time I also decided that I could probably make a little diagram for westerners and sell it outside of the squatty for about 100 Won.  Who knows, maybe that will be my next big business idea; Squatty Potty Cliff Notes with diagram.  I’m sure you would all buy it – wouldn’t you? OK.. maybe not. 

Hopefully this info will come in handy.  It’s the least I can do as it took me wet pants legs and shoes to figure this out.  Most of all, I hope this avoids you from having the ever having the so common ‘Asian travelers constipation’ (fear of going in the squatty potty).  Happy bowel movements to you all!

In contrast to the squatter, some western toilets offer an array of options, like a seat warmer, to make your time on the throne enjoyable.